Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Humorous, if You Can Understand it, Post: Message from a Hipster
Hey everyone, hipster here. I wanted to take a few minutes of my time and your time (like it's worth anything) to tell you about what you can do to be like me, an awesome hipster.
First, you have to start listening to better music, instead of the mainstream stuff you're listening too now. Try starting off with some Bob Dylan or something. I have like 8 of his albums, all from the Bootleg series and all on vinyl. Vinyl is just so much better. It's so much more real. Also, try some Vampire Weekend, but only their early stuff before they went mainstream. Start listening to some music ironically, like Journey. Always listen to Journey, but only ironically. I would tell you some other bands to check out but you've probably never heard of them.
Next, start hanging out at cafes. I used to hang out at Starbucks, but there's too many business types there with jobs and stuff. So now I hang out at independent cafes around town. I like to take my Mac (Macs are way better than PCs btw. They just work), put on some headphones and listen to Metric (you've probably never heard of them), and just sip on black coffee all day. Oh yeah, I drink my coffee black because cream and sugar is disgusting. Not to mention it comes from animals.
That brings me to another point. Go vegan, or at the least, vegetarian. That means you can't eat stuff that comes from animals like mainstream beer (it comes from capitalist pigs, get it?) or meat. You also have to be sure that people are aware you are vegan. Be sure to work it in to the beginning of every conversation. If they ask you why, just get indignant.
Also, start shopping at American Apparel. I like to buy clothes from there, wash them so they look worn, and then tear little holes in them. Then I tell people I got them from a thrift store. Try to get as many scarves as possible, in addition to converse sneakers. Be sure to advertise the obscure bands you listen to through your clothing, but only if it looks sufficiently worn.
You also have to be sure to get rid of a few things. Like your TV. Not having a TV makes you better than everyone else. It's hard to explain why, you really have to feel it to understand why. There are a few things that you do have to own, however. Buy a lot of books, preferably from used bookstores. Always walk around with a copy of Jack Kerouac's On the Road. You don't need to actually read it, but bring it with you to your local independent coffee shops.
Make sure your parents keep supporting you. So, you're 28 years old and working on a master's in some type of humanities at a small college (you've probably never heard of it). That means you will need money to keep supporting you. Buying 6 lattes a day at independent coffee shops can add up.
Lastly, be very liberal. But don't bother voting or anything like that.
Once you become a hipster, a lot of people will make fun of you. Most people just don't understand where we're coming from. They've just been brainwashed by mainstream society and don't understand the value of indie music (I love pitchforkmedia!), retro clothes, or irony. Just be confident that your lifestyle is right and their's is wrong. Haters gonna hate after all.
I would tell you more, but you probably wouldn't get it.
So, what do you think? Do you hate me because I am a hipster? Or is it just because you don't understand me?