Quick Hit: Get Ready to Flip The Shit Out

If Willard Scott wasn't already creepy enough, check this video.  Slick Willard plays a creepy as hell Ronald McDonald.  If you don't believe me, then I guess I'll just have to live with that.  Nah, just kidding.  Watch the video.

First Post Back: Remembering Gil Scott-Heron

He's backkkkkkkk!  And no, I'm not referring to Gil Scott-Heron (he's dead), I am referring to myself.  I apologize to everyone for my extended absence.  I was going through finals and then drinking the finest French Cognacs across the Orient.

Anyway, today let's all take a moment to remember Gil Scott-Heron.  Remember how rap and hip-hop used to be about conveying a message?  Or telling a story using colorful, poetic wording and strong political undertones?  Me neither.  But, I am told that rap and hip-hop was once like this.  For that, we owe a great deal to Gil Scott-Heron.  He is one of the artists, at least the most well-known, who tried to bring Spoken Word Poetry to music.

Now, we probably all do remember Public Enemy, right?  You at least remember Flava Flav.  Well, they were in large part inspired and influenced by Scott-Heron.  They used his no-holds-barred style to create some of the best rap music ever created (not so much Flava Flav, he was just standing around yelling "Yeaaaa boiiii!").

Look him up, and listen to some of his stuff.  Or, at at least watch this video and skip ahead to 2:26.

Quick Note About Updates

Dearest friends,

I've been travelling a lot since my last update and have been without internet access most of the time.  I know, I know, living without internet access is like living without dwarf tossing.  Anyway, I apologize I haven't been updating lately.  However, I will be settled back in a few days and get back to awesomeness!

Cheers mates,
The Satirical Swashbuckler

Get a Change of Underwear Ready: "Fast Five" Review

You know how some movie franchises get really tired after the first one or two?  One of those series like Terminator where anything after the second one starts to suck?  Where it's just an obvious attempt to lure unsuspecting idiots back into the theater?

This isn't one of them.  Fast Five is the best of the The Fast & The Furious franchise.  I shit you not.  It is the most entertaining, action-packed, film in the series.  Here's why.

First of all-- action.  This movie is more of an action movie than a racing movie, although it has plenty of that too.  I also get the feeling that this one had the highest budget.  They destroyed a sh'load of cars in this movie, all to my great delight.  You remember that scene in Blue Brothers where like 30 cop cars crash into each other?  It's like that, but better.  There's also plenty of run 'n' jump, shoot 'em up, chase 'em down action scenes.  I don't want to give too much away, but Director David Lin does a great job of keeping you entertained in this one.

Second, Vin Diesel.  We all know that Diesel's absence ruined the second and third movies.  We also know that Diesel's presence can make any movie amazing.  Diesel doesn't disappoint here as he becomes the focus of this movie, unlike the first movie where Paul Walker was the protagonist and Diesel was just the awesome guy.

Third, "The Rock" Dwayne Johnson.  You could have left The Rock out of this movie and it would still be plenty intense and action packed.  But, adding The Rock is like adding some habanero peppers to one of those spicy-ass suicide hot wings or whatever on "Man Versus Food" with Adam Richman.  The Rock's character in this movie is simply over-the-top.  He brings intensity to every scene; he yells; he runs; he beats the shit out of people; he kills people with ease; and he is just all around bad ass.  Moreover, he looks fucking huge!  He was already a pretty massive guy, but it looks like he bulked up for this movie.  I never though Diesel could look like just a normal guy.

Fourth, an unstoppable force meets and immovable object-- the fight between Diesel and The Rock.  This fight scene alone is reason enough to watch this movie.

Fifth, the ensemble cast.  It's kind of like Ocean's Thirteen without George Clooney and instead with a bunch of B-level actors.  You've got the Japanese dude from Tokyo Drift played by Sung Kang (who actually died in that movie but who gives a fuck?), Gal Gadot from Fast and Furious, Elsa Pateky who is an actress apparently, Paul Walker, and superstar Tyrese.  Oh yeah and Ludacris is in this movie for some reason too.  The only person they didn't bring back was Michelle Rodriguez because her character is dead (although that didn't stop them from bringing back Sung Kang, apparently).

Lastly, setting this movie in Rio de Janeiro works.  Miami didn't work for 2 Fast 2 Furious, but for some reason Rio works here.  A lot of this has to do with the great production values and the flashy directorial style of Lin who never lets you get bored even for a single second.

In conclusion, go see this movie.  You should know by now that, as far as quintilogies go, the fifth one is always the best.  It's simply bigger and better than the other ones.

Rating: 9/10 (minus 1 point for having Paul Walker in the movie)

Thoughts on "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" Remakes

So, in case you haven't heard, the American remake of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is coming out this December.  Now, I typically don't like the idea of remaking a movie that came out just two years ago.  However, I am slightly intrigued by the idea of this remake.  I'm also a little worried.  Here's why.

First of all, Trent Reznor will be doing the soundtrack for the remake.  Considering the first one didn't even have a soundtrack (I think), this is a pretty cool plus.  Also, Trent Reznor is the shit.  He is the greatest artist of our generation.  If you feel differently, you're wrong.  It's not Kanye.  Shut up.

After all, T Rez (those in the know call him T Rez) won an Oscar for that facebook movie that I didn't watch.

Trent Reznor even looks like the chick from the Swedish movie.

Also, I'm kind of excited because David Fincher is directing the remake.  In case you've forgotten, Fincher did Fight Club, a favorite of teenage males everywhere, and Se7en, a favorite of teenage males everywhere.  So, it's pretty clear he has some range.  He will also, no doubt, try to remake The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo as darker and edgier.  He gives me hope because he's made some good movie (Fight Club, Alien 3), although he has also made a few heaping piles of etc. (Panic Room, The Curious Case of Benjamin "I'm trying to win an Oscar" Button).

The new girl they cast seems all right.  But, Noomi Rapace is a tough act to follow.  And I've never actually seen Rooney Mara in anything before.  It does look like she transitioned from nice girl to tough girl pretty smoothly.

My greatest concern about this film is that it just seems so unnecessary.  The Swedish ones were awesome.  So, what could the difference really be?  Is this just a cheesy attempt to try to reach a wider audience by remaking it in English designed for an American audience.  Probably, and that's lame.

Also, the new one has Daniel Craig set to play Blomquist.  That guy has as much acting range as a rock.

So, what do you think?  Who saw the Swedish ones?  What would you like to see out of the American versions?

Humorous, if You Can Understand it, Post: Message from a Hipster

Hey everyone, hipster here.  I wanted to take a few minutes of my time and your time (like it's worth anything) to tell you about what you can do to be like me, an awesome hipster.

First, you have to start listening to better music, instead of the mainstream stuff you're listening too now.  Try starting off with some Bob Dylan or something.  I have like 8 of his albums, all from the Bootleg series and all on vinyl.  Vinyl is just so much better.  It's so much more real.  Also, try some Vampire Weekend, but only their early stuff before they went mainstream.  Start listening to some music ironically, like Journey.  Always listen to Journey, but only ironically.  I would tell you some other bands to check out but you've probably never heard of them.

Next, start hanging out at cafes.  I used to hang out at Starbucks, but there's too many business types there with jobs and stuff.  So now I hang out at independent cafes around town.  I like to take my Mac (Macs are way better than PCs btw.  They just work), put on some headphones and listen to Metric (you've probably never heard of them), and just sip on black coffee all day.  Oh yeah, I drink my coffee black because cream and sugar is disgusting.  Not to mention it comes from animals.

That brings me to another point.  Go vegan, or at the least, vegetarian.  That means you can't eat stuff that comes from animals like mainstream beer (it comes from capitalist pigs, get it?) or meat.  You also have to be sure that people are aware you are vegan.  Be sure to work it in to the beginning of every conversation.  If they ask you why, just get indignant.

Also, start shopping at American Apparel.  I like to buy clothes from there, wash them so they look worn, and then tear little holes in them.  Then I tell people I got them from a thrift store.  Try to get as many scarves as possible, in addition to converse sneakers.  Be sure to advertise the obscure bands you listen to through your clothing, but only if it looks sufficiently worn.

You also have to be sure to get rid of a few things.  Like your TV.  Not having a TV makes you better than everyone else.  It's hard to explain why, you really have to feel it to understand why.  There are a few things that you do have to own, however.  Buy a lot of books, preferably from used bookstores.  Always walk around with a copy of Jack Kerouac's On the Road.  You don't need to actually read it, but bring it with you to your local independent coffee shops.

Make sure your parents keep supporting you.  So, you're 28 years old and working on a master's in some type of humanities at a small college (you've probably never heard of it).  That means you will need money to keep supporting you.  Buying 6 lattes a day at independent coffee shops can add up.

Lastly, be very liberal.  But don't bother voting or anything like that.

Once you become a hipster, a lot of people will make fun of you.  Most people just don't understand where we're coming from.  They've just been brainwashed by mainstream society and don't understand the value of indie music (I love pitchforkmedia!), retro clothes, or irony.  Just be confident that your lifestyle is right and their's is wrong.  Haters gonna hate after all.

I would tell you more, but you probably wouldn't get it.

So, what do you think?  Do you hate me because I am a hipster?  Or is it just because you don't understand me?

Blast from the Past: Remembering "The Fast and the Furious" and "2 Fast 2 Furious"

As you all have marked on your calendars, this upcoming weekend will witness the release of the fifth installment of The Fast and the Furious Franchise.  But, before you watch that, let's remember what made the franchise so awesome in the first place (The Fast and the Furious).  And, also, what made it so horrible (2 Fast 2 Furious).  In order to prepare myself for the upcoming awesomeness, I re-watched the first two installments this past weekend.  Let's remember them together.

"I live my life a quarter-mile at a time," bespoke the Vin Diesel.  Words of wisdom and guidance overflow from The Fast and the Furious.  This was, of course, Diesel's breakthrough film.  The movie that turned him into a superstar.  It was only a matter of time.  Just look at the picture above.  He's staring at you.  Listen to his voice.  You are now aware of Vin Diesel's awesomeness.

Diesel was a lot of what made the first one great.  He yelled at people, acted tough, was cool, and even learned something in the end (I think).  Also, he drove sweet cars.  But there was more to the first one that just Diesel.  The whole atmosphere of early 2000 Los Angeles street racing was pretty awesome.  Ja Rule was also in this movie for some reason.  Moreover, let's not forget the breakthrough performance of Michelle Rodriguez, who would go on to play a tough girl who dies in many other films (see http://www.cracked.com/funny-6301-michelle-rodriguez/).

What made the first one so awesome was completely absent from 2 Fast 2 Furious.  First off, the name was retarded.  Second, there was no Diesel of Michelle Rodriguez or Los Angeles.  Instead, we got Paul Walker, Tyrese, and Cole Hauser.  Mother of God.  We also got a non-sensical plot taking place in Miami, the land where sequels are made (See, e.g., Bad Boys 2).

The first film is the defining film of your generation, whenever you were born.  The second one is a beautiful example of how shitty Paul Walker is at acting.  

There were also a couple of other Fast and Furious films after these two.  Tokyo Drift was pretty forgettable and didn't resemble the previous two films in any way.  Then, we had the blockbuster return of the franchise, along with Diesel, in Fast and Furious.  It looks like Fast Five will be close to the latter than the former.  But, with EVERY previous star of the franchise.  We have Diesel, Tyrese, Ludacris, Jordana Brewster, and even that Paul Walker guy.  Oh yeah, also The Rock adding further awesomeness.  Expect a review of that film forthcoming.

What are your thoughts on this amazing franchise?  Let's hear them folks!